Okay, so this blog isn’t like my other ones, it’s a bit more serious. Now I’m not doing this for attention or for sympathy, but more so to share my story for other women out there that may have been in the same situation.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year and a half now. It’s been a year and a half full of highs and lows, and this definitely was our lowest low. In October 2016 I suffered a miscarriage, and it’s safe to say it tested our relationship. In September Id been feeling really ill and my mood swings were all over the place! I’d also missed my period by about 3 weeks, but my periods were never regular so I just assumed my period was messing up, we’d been using condoms and I’d also started a new pill so I didn’t even consider being pregnant! But then I started suffering from morning sickness, fatigue, lower back pain, and my boobs had grown to the size of watermelons! Like every other girl when they get a slight symptom of pregnancy, I was straight onto google (and let’s face it, we all believe what google tells us!). After reading on the NHS website I was certain I was pregnant so I picked up a pregnancy test and waited till the next morning to do it. I woke up anxious about what this test would tell me. I did the test and waited for an agonising 3 minutes (they felt like FOREVER). THANK GOD! The test came back negative! Relief flooded my body!
A week later and I was getting ready to go down to the airport with my boyfriend and friends. Just before leaving I started bleeding! Yay!! My period finally came (although it could have waited until after the holiday!). But this period wasn’t like usual, it was heavy, like really heavy and my cramps were horrendous! At the airport I started throwing up uncontrollably, something was not right, but me being me, I ignored it! The bleeding lasted 3 weeks and I once again took to google to see if I could get any ideas about what was going on. Everything was coming back with miscarriage. But I couldn’t be pregnant, the test came back negative! Then I started to remember my mum saying that with all her pregnancies they never showed up on a pregnancy test. Oh god. My heart was in my mouth. I made a doctors appointment straight away, i didn’t believe that I was having a miscarriage but I wanted to be safe and get it checked out. I turned up with my boyfriend but asked him to wait outside, I had so many emotions going on I just didn’t want him in there with me. The doctor asked me a load of questions and then proceeded to feel my stomach. “I’m really sorry but you’ve had a miscarriage.”. Wait what? “We need to book you into the hospital tomorrow for a scan and to see how far in the process you are.”. I thought I was going to throw up. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I left the doctors and didn’t say much to Liam. I felt so embarrassed. I got back to his and rang my mum straight away, she left work early to travel down and take me to the hospital for my appointment. So I went for my appointment, they told me I was nearly 2 months pregnant when I miscarried, and that I just needed to go home and rest. My mum dropped me home and offered to stay but I didn’t want to be around anyone. I remember just sitting in my room and not feeling anything. It was surreal.
To be told you’re having a miscarriage when you didn’t even know you were pregnant is a weird feeling. I found out that I was pregnant and then that I wasn’t all in the same day. It was rough. But I felt bad for being sad about it, I mean, it’s not like I even knew I was pregnant, so I’m not allowed to be sad. I found myself grieving for someone I never knew was there, but god it hurt like hell! Looking back on it though I was allowed to be sad, anybody that suffers this, whether they knew about it or not deserves to feel sad and deserves to grieve. At the end of the day I had a baby inside of me and I lost it. Me and Liam didn’t really talk about it for a few weeks, neither of us knew what to say to make it better. It wasn’t until a few weeks after that we had a massive heart to heart. I thought I’d never stop crying. But it felt good to talk about it. It made me feel better acknowledging it. But when it came to other people knowing I felt embarrassed and like I couldn’t talk about it. But ladies, it’s okay to talk about it, it really is, opening up is so much better than holding it in. I ended up having counselling for it which helped an incredible amount, for so long I hated myself and my body for doing this to me but I learned to accept it and to not beat myself up. If it wasnt for counselling I doubt I would have coped with it all. 1 in 4 pregnancies miscarry and I just so happened to be that 1.
8 months on and of course it still gets to me sometimes, being around babies gives me a strange feeling, but I’m learning to be able to talk about it more and not be ashamed of it. It’s part of my life and it’s happened I need to embrace that. I like to think that it was a girl in there! I feel like miscarriage is such a taboo subject and we need to break down that stigma and allow women to feel comfortable to talk about it when they wish to! Like I said at the beginning this wasn’t for sympathy as I’ve grown enough in myself to not need sympathy in this situation, this was a way for me to tell my story and break down this silence of miscarriage. The most important thing I learnt was that it’s okay to talk about it and I learnt that I’m so much stronger than I gave myself credit for. If you’re reading this and you’re in a similar situation I promise you it gets easier, it doesn’t feel like it will I know, but it does. You learn how to carry on with your day, but that doesn’t mean you have to forget about them.
Thankyou for listening. If you have any questions feel free to ask, or if you just want someone to talk to I’m here.